Are We All We Are
by ListenLoud
Summary: Scully feels forced to leave Mulder.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi there. This is an attempt at writing something angsty. We will see how it goes. Let me know how you guys like it!**

**None of these characters belong to me, etc etc etc, I wish they were mine. **

4 am, and she couldn't sleep for different reasons. She had spent the night trying to convince herself to not do what she had decided to do earlier that day. She had told herself this would be the last night she would spend with him. She decided to enjoy it; she knew that after tonight it would never be the same.

She turned onto her left side and watched him sleep as tears started clouding her sight. To tell herself that it wasn't fair was an understatement. She had already cursed God for what was happening to her. He definitely did not deserve what she was about to do to him, but she figured this was the best for him. He didn't need any more sadness in his life, and definitely no more guilt. She decided to get up and wait for him to do the same.

As she sat down and sipped her coffee, she went over what she would say to him, every time she rehearsed it in her mind, she realized just how unfair she was being to him by leaving him in the dark. She was so concentrated in her speech-rehearsing she didn't hear him get up, and only saw him when he was standing right next to her looking down at her with those handsome sleepy eyes and a confused expression.

"What's going on? Why is all your stuff packed and by the door?" He asked concerned. Though they did not live together, they might as well have. They would go weeks in each other's apartment, only to switch and spend time at the other's place for the next couple of weeks and so on.

"Mulder, sit down." She pleaded avoiding his eyes. He didn't, but instead crossed his arms in front of his chest, 'already on the defensive' she thought.

She took a heavy breath inward "I don't think this is working out, um, I think we should both go our different ways."

"And why is that? How did you all of the sudden come to this conclusion?" He asked with a smile on his face, making it harder for her.

_He thinks I'm joking_- she thought.

"I, um, what I thought was there, really, is not. I confused friendship for love, and although I do love you, I am not in love with you." She said, still not looking at him.

He laughed, "So you decided this when? Last night? When you made love to me? Or the night before when we did the same? Come on Scully, stop joking around." He said, a serious expression now occupying his face.

She kept her gaze on her coffee mug.

"I'm not joking. I brought your stuff; it's in a box by the door." She got up and walked past him, without giving him a second look, picked up the box filled with her things, and walked out the door. She prayed to God he wouldn't follow her out the door. He didn't.

She couldn't lie to herself and say she wasn't expecting this. It was 2 am, she had had no contact with him, and he had had no contact with her. He initially thought that Scully had just been in a mood, and that she would call him later to apologize, so he had given her her space. That had been 3 days ago and he hadn't heard from her, so he decided to go and talk to her, she was being ridiculous.

As she opened the door, she hoped that he would assume her blood shot eyes were caused by sleep and not lack of sleep and constant crying she'd been doing for the past 3 days.

"Scully." He looked at her with pleading eyes, "I've been waiting for you to call, to apologize, to tell me you didn't mean anything you said."

She hadn't moved, was not letting him in, and he was aware of this. She also daren't look at him, she knew she would break down, explain everything to him, ask for his support, ask him to love her for however long she had left, but she didn't. Instead, she fixed her sight on his shoes while she held on to the door for dear life. "I thought I was pretty clear." She made her best effort to mask her feelings and look at him, go for the jugular, "I don't love you, I don't think I ever did. I think I needed someone there, something to hold on to, but I know better now. You've only held me back in my career, probably in my personal life as well, I need to move on and make something out of my life." She said, with no emotion evident in her face. She saw his heart break right in front of her eyes as he realized that she was serious.

"Ok…ok" he was at a loss for words, he slumped his shoulders, looked at her in search of something, then looked down as he turned and walked away.

It took all her willpower to not run after him, take him in her arms and tell him she was sorry, she didn't mean it; she was just a little crazy right now. But she knew that all of her previous efforts would be lost. This was needed, she assured herself. She slowly shut the door; tears had already found their way down her cheeks. As she locked the door, she turned, and to her own surprise, picked up the lamp and threw it across the room at the wall, breaking it, and a picture that hung on the wall, in the process.

2 years 7 months later.

She never thought she'd be standing where she was. She didn't think she would live to see today. After learning of her remission, she promised she wouldn't do this to him; she wouldn't barge right into his life as fast as she had left it. She wanted to know that he was ok; she wanted to know about him. If she was honest with herself, she never stopped loving him, she longed for him every night she laid in her hospital bed, being pricked and stabbed with chemicals that weakened her body in order to make it stronger. Now, two and a half years later, she longed for him. She tried to go on without him, tried to live her life not knowing, but she just couldn't. This only made her realize the pain she probably caused him. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Her hands were sweating. She missed his beautiful face, and his voice.

"….just pick a movie and we'll…" he said to someone as he opened the door. His eyes went wild. She could tell that this was a total surprise to him. She had basically dropped off the face of the earth; he never expected to see her again. "What?" he first said confused, his confusion soon changed to anger, "what do you want?" He asked coldly. She heard whoever was inside with him, moving around inside, clearly making their way to the door.

"Fox, honey, everything ok?" A woman's voice asked. As she came into Scully's view, she realized she was Mulder's neighbor. She'd waved at her a few times in the past when she and Mulder had been together, but they never really shared a word.

'_Great_' Scully thought. "I…uh…I think this is a bad time, and uh….this was a bad idea. I should have called." She said as she turned on her heel. She couldn't deny that she expected this. This is what she had wanted for him; this is why she did things the way she did them. But the fact that her plans worked out perfectly didn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell. She came, and she saw him. That is all she really came here to do. All she wanted was to see him one more time. She rode down the elevator feeling crushed, but content that he was able to move on.

As she pushed the unlock button to her car, she heard his voice, "Why now?" Not in an accusatory tone, she turned and saw him standing there and thanked God for deciding not to cry until she was in her car.

"So much has happened….in my life…and, I just...uhm. I just had to see you." She said, making eye contact with him.

"After almost 3 years? Really? You feel you can just come in and barge into my life like that, that you are welcomed to just come over whenever you want?" He was clearly still angry with her.

"I'm sorry. I know. I'll just go. You wont hear from me again, I promise" She said it and meant it. Who was she to come back and disturb his life? She got in her car and drove away. Finally letting her tears free. This hadn't gone at all how she planned. In her mind, she would have knocked, he would've opened the door, opened his arms to her, and the world would be able to spin again. But such is life.

**Review me!**


	2. Chapter 2

It had been 2 weeks since she had gone to see him. She still couldn't decide if it had made it better or worse for her. Ever since learning of the "miracle", as her mother liked to call it, or her terminal cancer going into remission (as she called it), a year ago, all she could think about was all she gave up. She had sold most of her belongings, giving her mother her most precious ones. She had no place to live, no car to drive, no phone to use. She had expected to die within six months of her diagnosis, and that was stretching her time. But none of this compared to giving up the love of her life, practically running from his life. She painfully remembered those lonely nights she spent in her hospital bed. Sure her mother had been there for her, but it hadn't been the same. She missed his warmth, and the way he made her feel like everything would be ok. The first 6 months after her remission, she had spent most of her time trying to decide what to do with her life, this second chance she had at it now. She knew she wanted to spend it with him, but knew that that was as impossible as flying a kite to the moon. She decided that teaching was a passion that she had never really allowed herself to enjoy, so she decided to seek out jobs with the Bureau. Since she had left on good terms with the FBI, it wasn't difficult to get hired at Quantico. 6 months later she was finally back on her feet and had moved out of her mother's house into a brand new place. She visited her mother often, having had the mother-daughter bond strengthen through the course of her illness.

That night she was meeting her mother for dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was something that had come out of her new take on life. She loved food and was now allowing herself the time and the money to try good food. As they placed their orders, Scully could sense that her mother was excited about something. She had some kind of light in her eye.

"Ok, mom, Spill it." Scully said with a smile.

Maggie smiled. "Dana…earlier today, I received a phone call, from a Fox Mulder." She said nonchalantly as she examined the menu and waited for her daughter to respond.

Scully's eyes widen in surprise. She definitely wasn't expecting this. "What? What….what did he say?" Scully managed to get out.

"He was looking for your phone number. Said you came by to see him, and he had no way of contacting you." Maggie said with an even bigger smile. She had not agreed to how Scully had managed her relationship with him after finding out about her cancer, but she understood her reasons. "He should be calling you soon. Now, tell me, when did you go see him? You never said you were thinking of going."

"I uh," Scully couldn't believe that he wanted to talk to her; she didn't even know she could carry on with dinner with out imploding from joy. She felt like doing laps around the restaurant while high fiving every customer there. "Ummmm." Her mother smiled at her daughter's reaction.

"Dana, this is good news. I'm happy for you. I'm sure everything will work itself out."

"I wouldn't be so sure mom," Scully said finally coming out of her reverie. "I visited him 2 weeks ago. I got off of work, and got in my car, and somehow drove to his place. I didn't plan on visiting him, nor did I think of calling before hand, I just sort of showed up." She said studying her napkin, "I'm pretty sure he hates me. Also, he's got a girlfriend. Or wife. Or something. There was a woman there, and she called him honey." She said looking up, her eyes filled with tears. Maggie knew that her daughter would not allow them to escape her eyes. Scully then smiled through her teary eyes, "I mean, that's what I wanted, I can't be upset about it. I mean, I wanted him to have someone. That's why I did things the way I did. I wanted him to hate me. But I never honestly thought I would survive my illness. I'm just glad he wants to at least talk to me," Scully said smiling.

The rest of the meal went well, Scully and Maggie talked about everything and nothing. Scully couldn't lie to herself about how much she enjoyed the normalcy; she was once again enjoying the little things in life again. She was a little distracted throughout dinner with the knowledge that Mulder wanted her phone number.

As she drove home from the restaurant, her phone rang, the caller ID said it was Mulder. Sure, this was a different phone, different number, different life, but his number was one she would never forget. Just having his number on her phone had made her feel somewhat close to him. So it was the first number she'd saved on her cell phone. She had once promised herself she would use it, instead she just drove herself to his place.

"Hello." She said nervously, almost tempted to answer with 'Scully'. There was a slight pause on the other end, then a sigh.

"Scully." He said, "It's Mulder." He said, as if she would ever forget his voice.

"Hi." Was all she managed to say.

"Is this a bad time?" He asked.

"Um. No, no it's not. I'm just driving home." She replied.

"Ok. Well I was calling to see if you wanted to maybe meet up sometime. To talk." He was basically asking her out for a date. And if she was a delirious desperate woman, she would've taken it as such, but she knew better. This was not Mulder's way of asking her for a date, he wanted answers from her, and his tone was anything but inviting.

"Yeah, that would be good. When would be a good time for you?" She asked, tentatively, afraid he would change his mind.

"Well, if you're not up to anything tonight, maybe we could meet up right now?" He asked.

"Actually, that would work, I'm still in town, how about we meet at our old…" she stopped herself, closed her eyes, and sighed. That was uncharted territory now. She was not allowed to use the words, 'ours', 'we' nor 'us', "At Brazil's, we could meet at Brazil's. Say 20 minutes?"

She had beaten him to the bar. It had been years since she had been here. The last time she was here was with him, the night she had ended things, but not before they had gone back to his place and made love.

She ordered herself a shot of tequila to calm her nerves and was currently chasing that with a margarita. She spotted him the minute he entered the restaurant. He had dark jeans, and a v-neck black shirt. He looked gorgeous. She quickly erased those thoughts from her head. This man was no longer hers. He spotted her, and moved to sit next to her. Didn't say a word until after he ordered a beer.

She finally gathered up her courage to look at him. She found him looking at her. "Hi" she somehow managed to get out followed by a quick sigh of relief. First sentence was out of the way.

"Hi." He said. Equally as nervous as her she noted.

They looked at each other for a moment, as if they were reacquainting themselves with each other, noticing the details they had forgotten about each other. His drink came, and they took that as an opportunity to break their exploration. He took a swift drink.

"So Scully, where to start…." Engrossed in his beer, he played with his glass as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"I wish I knew. But I guess I should start by apologizing for surprising you the other day. I didn't mean to, I knocked on your door before I realized what I was doing."

"Ah. There it is." He smiled sarcastically, and then sighed. "So what you mean to say is you never wanted to come by and probably shouldn't have?"

It was Scully's turn to sigh. She turned on her stool so she could look at him straight in the eyes. "For the past three years, all I've wanted to do was come back to you. But…my circumstances were not good, for me….or you." She said.

"Damn straight. You ripped me apart, so yeah, you could say the circumstances weren't good." He didn't dare look at her.

"Look, Mulder, I know you are still very much hurt and upset with me at what I did to you, and I understand that. I do. And I also know that it is far too late for anything to be resolved. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I want you to understand that what I did had a reason, to understand that I never stopped loving you." She finally said. She never planned on being so straight with him, but hell, it was either now or never.

"No. No Scully, you do NOT get to play that card." He finally met her gaze. It was like she was transported back to that night. His eyes, they told her everything she needed to know.

"I know, and I'm sorry. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I….uh…I'll leave you to it. Sorry…for this, for everything" She got up, and left a $20 to cover her drink, turned and walked out without looking at him. Tears were already down her face; she couldn't do this to him. He was clearly happy with someone else; she had no business telling him anything more that might make him reconsider everything. She would keep him out of her head. She would take up a hobby. Yes. A hobby would be good for her. This year she would watch a movie a night, keep her mind occupied, no romances, she didn't need that type of movie, documentaries and horror, that's what she would watch. She would start with that stupid McDonalds documentary her mother talked about so much. In the middle of her planning out her life while she walked to her car, she heard his voice. That stopped her in her tracks.

"Damn it Scully. Stop running away. All I want to know is why? Why would you do that to me?" He was hurt, that much she knew. He deserved an explanation.

Her face was filled with tears now. She couldn't stop them, she wouldn't stop them. She turned on her heel and faced him; he was taken aback by what he was seeing.

"I was dying, OKAY. I was dying." She spat through her tears. Her eyes went wide at her sudden revelation. Her hand went up to her mouth and she let out a bigger sob, turned on her heel and got in her car. She was petrified. Petrified of his reaction, what this meant; petrified she had ruined the life he had been building after she left.

She got in her car, which was facing opposite of where he was standing. Thank God. She could not watch him walk away. She got in her car and couldn't stop the tears; she couldn't believe her sudden display of emotions, guess that's another thing the cancer left her with. Overly dramatic displays of emotions. Suddenly, there was a knock on her window. It was him. She rolled her window down and wiped her tears, and for a moment, her crying seized. He hadn't left after all. She waited for him to speak, but for some reason, his face didn't provide the calming demeanor it once did.

"I can't believe you would use that to excuse your cowardice. You are unbelievable." He said as he turned on his heel and walked away.

A sob got caught up in her throat as she rolled her window up. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She gasped for air, but none would enter her lungs. She was hyperventilating. That much she knew. What she didn't know was him, not anymore.

She took several deep breaths to calm herself down. No more crying. At least not until she got home. She couldn't believe he hadn't believed her. That he would think she would be as cruel as to use that excuse. But then again, he probably never expected her to leave him. She had fucked up so much. It was over. That much she was sure of. For some reason, for her, it felt like it just now had ended, and it hurt, God did it hurt.


	3. Chapter 3

To say her sleep patterns had been disturbed was an understatement. She wondered if he was sleeping nice and tight. She figured as much, especially in the arms of someone he loved. It had been about a month since she last saw him. A month of getting very little sleep. Her mind was preoccupied as of late. She couldn't believe that Mulder would think she'd be this petty, better yet, she couldn't believe that he had changed so much in 3 years that he wouldn't believe her. He was hurt, that she knew, but that was no reason to lash out the way he did, particularly since so much time had gone by. The phrase "he should be over it by now" did cross her mind, but she knew that was unfair. She knew that had the cards been reversed and she had been the one left, she wouldn't be so welcoming either. Her mind was some sort of blended thoughts and feelings, and so she spent her nights tossing and turning and thinking instead of sleeping.

She'd been making her rounds to the people she used to know before she dropped off the face of the earth. She'd discovered just how fun the Lone Gunmen were. Sure she'd thought they were nice and fun before, but she'd been seeing a new side of them. Byers being the proper one, Langly provided the comedic relief, and Frodihike the sweet protective friend. She'd confided in them her reason for leaving Mulder, she'd confided in Frodihike on Mulder's reaction when she explained, or when she tried to explain, why she had left. She had cried on his shoulder, and he'd wiped her tears away. Every day got better, but there wasn't a day where she didn't think of him.

She had been going over to their place every Thursday for the past month for movie night. They loved her company and she loved theirs. They rarely discussed Mulder nowadays, partly because they knew it hurt her to speak of him and partly because he rarely made visits. This particular Thursday, they were all huddled around the TV watching the latest action movie. Although Scully complained most of the time on their movie choices, she secretly loved it, and they secretly loved her teasing. As the movie reached its plot turning twist, there was a knock on the door.

"What the hell?" Frodihike said as he pushed himself off the sofa and made his way into the other room to answer the door. Scully and Langly looked at each other for a minute, shrugged their shoulders and kept watching the movie. That was until she heard his voice. Mulder was there. More importantly, Mulder was here. Mulder was in the other room. Her heart started racing. She heard his voice getting closer and she froze, unable to move, she just sat there. A petrified look on her face.

"…so you mean to tell me you guys are just…." Mulder was caught off guard as he walked in to find a scared-looking Scully looking straight at him. He forgot all he was saying, and all he could think about was what an asshole he had been to her the last time he had seen her. They stared at each other for what seemed hours. Scully abruptly looked away, and scanned the floor with her eyes.

"umm. I can come back later, I see you guys are busy with company." Mulder said as he started to turn away to leave.

"No!" Scully broke away from the haze she was in and regained all composure, and old Scully was back, "Actually, I will leave. I'll see you guys later." She said and walked past all of them before anyone could react. Before they knew it all they heard was the door shut.

Frodihike sighed, loudly, and walked over and took his seat on the couch. His face spoke of anger, but he wasn't speaking it out loud. Langly and Byers just sat there, unsure of what to do.

"She's so quick to run. Typical." Mulder said.

"Oh shut the fuck up, Mulder." Frodihike said, stunning Mulder, "You are such an arrogant dick, I can't even believe you would even THINK of saying that. Yes, she hurt you, but that was 3 years ago. She's come back to make her peace with you, nothing else, and you call her a liar. So not only has she had to go through hell to beat some shitty disease that she did NOTHING to deserve, but she comes back to beg you to forgive her, and you are so quick to judge. Why don't you go back to your little GIRLFRIEND, and leave us alone for once. I can't believe you've turned into this." Frodihike said as he walked past him and left the apartment himself, leaving a stunned Mulder behind.

Scully had been in her apartment for a good 20 minutes before there was a knock on the door. In those 20 minutes she'd decided to stop seeing the Gunmen, she felt their lives were being affected by what was going on with her and Mulder, and she would not make her friends choose, so she would make the decision for them. Besides, they were Mulder's friends before they were hers. She opened the door and was surprised to find Mulder standing on the other side.

"Can I come in?" Mulder asked her, there was a different feel about him. now.

"Uh, sure." She stepped aside and let him in to her place, how he found out where she lived was a mystery to her, though not a surprise, but she didn't care about how he got here, just that he was here. Now. He stood there awkwardly, not knowing how welcomed he was at her place now. Nothing compared to how he used to come in without knocking, take his shoes off and prop his feet on the table, but that was years ago. Another lifetime.

They stood there looking at each other for a moment before she spoke, "Can I help you with something?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can we talk, I'm sorry I wasn't listening before. But, I think I am ready now, I just hope that you are willing to talk to me again."

"um. Yeah. Sure. Take a seat; I can make us some coffee." She said.

After the coffee was made, she sat down. They sat on opposite sides of the couch. As far away from each other as possible.

She spoke first.

"Well, I just want you to know that I am not trying to ruin anything in your life at the moment. I am glad you're happy, that you've found someone who makes you happy. I just feel the need to explain to you why things happened the way they did, I don't want you to still hate me. I want us to try and be cordial to each other. We will probably never be friends again, because, at least for me, it would be too hard, but if we could at least be acquaintances and be able to say hi to one another that would be nice."

He nodded. She stared at him, seemingly deciding weather to try this again or not.

"I went in for a check up a month or so before I left, they found the cancer had spread and metastasized to my liver & lungs. They told me at the most I had 6 months left. I wasn't sure what to do. I almost told you a thousand times, but it was one of those things where I had something good in my life and didn't want to ruin it. So I decided that it was best if I never told you, let you believe I was just gone and not dead. I know how it was for you when I was sick the first time around, and I didn't want you to go through that again." Tears danced in her eyes but she kept them there, she took a deep breath, she looked everywhere but at him, "I wanted you to hate me so that you would look for comfort in someone else, because I wanted you to move on and have a life. I sold most of my belongings, and moved in with my mom while I went through some chemo and radiation so that they could 'make my time better'. I was referred to a Dr. who was conducting experimental trials in Houston, and I went down there, and here I am now. I was so happy, no, I am so happy to be alive, and to have a new chance. The only thing I regret is never telling you because things would be so much different now. I understand that you have a different life now, and that's what my intent was from the beginning, all I want from you is to not harbor any ill feelings towards me. I know that what I did was not ideal, but in my own twisted mind it was for your benefit. I'm sorry." She finally managed to look at him. He had his head in his hands, visibly upset.

He sighed deeply. Still not looking at her. "Scully, the day you left, I….I just don't think I've recovered. I love Ella. I do." was all he said. Maybe he was trying to convince himself.

"Mulder." She reached out her hand and touched his, "I'm not expecting anything from you. I just want you and I to be ok if we're in the same room, I want to know that if I'm at the Lone Gunmen's and you come in, I don't have to run away." She said retrieving her hand as he made eye contact. They looked at each other for a moment until he broke the contact and rested his head on the back of her couch and closed his eyes, releasing a long loud sigh. She looked at him, and she was stuck in some sort of space where only the two of them existed.

"Oh Scully." He said as he opened his eyes and looked at her. As he looked at her, he realized that she was on the verge of a breakdown. Her face gave her away as she struggled to keep herself together. She got up and attempted to walk towards her bathroom. He reached for her arm as she got up and pulled her towards him. Before she realized what was happening, she was in his arms, and he was holding her tight. Tighter than ever. Her control was lost. She was now sobbing into his shirt and holding him tight. He kissed her temple and ran his hand through her hair.

"I'm sorry….I'm so sorry…" She said in between sobs. They sat there together as she cried for a love that was lost to both of them.


End file.
